You ever wonder if things will change. If you will ever feel happy. If all this life is pointless. That you are doomed to live in a cycle of never ending shit. I hate my life sometimes. I am in such a shitty mood. It is not like anyone reads this so I might as well spill my guts right. I hate the fact I can't find a real job. I hate the job I do have. I've worked my ass off all my life. Good grades, stayed out of trouble, always one of the best employees at all my jobs. Were has it gotten me. A college degree I can't seem to put to use, a dead end job, I can barely support myself and I live with my grandma, and for some reason I feel alone in all this. There are other aspects of my life I could go into. I won't probably becuase I am embaressed or pretty much don't won't everyone to know how much of a loser I am. I am just not happy with my life. I don't know how to change it or maybe I'm to scared to do anything about it. I feel i'm letting my best years pass me by. I don't know. I feel any anwers i get are just more questions. So empty inside. Everyday I hope something changes. And when I do feel like things are finally going my way. They dissolve like a mirage. Just more wishful thinking. God I feel like a little middle schooler whining. Maybe thats my problem I am just an immature idiot. Who has never grown up. And is too much of a pussy to put up or shut up. Do something about all this. It is not like I am not doing anything. I am still busting my ass. Going to interviews; getting rejected. I am just doing it for no reason other to live another day. Pay the bills stay alive. I hate it. I don't want to work just to stay alive. I feel alone. Sometimes like I have no one to talk to about it. Or even if I do talk about it I just suck at expressing myself when I talk to people. I hold a lot back. I don't want anyone to see through this hard shell I put around myself. I don't want anyone to see that dark empty side of me. That part that is all fucked up. God if anyone knew exactly the shit that goes through my head. I am honestly not sure if anyone really understand what is going on up here. I think that is part of the reason I'm writing this. I guess there is a chance someone will see it. And i'm better at expressing myself through writing. There isn't any holding back. Just empty space to fill. It is just words and people can make of it as they desire. Less chance of feeling stupid. People can just ignore it if they want. Its easier then letting someone in. As i said I don't know if anyone has really seen the actual me. I put on a mask. The person I want people to think I am. Then again maybe I'd be suprised. Maybe I let it slip more than I think. Well my internet just went down and this might never see the light of day. Suprise. Suprise. Maybe my revelations of myself will wait another day. Well the internet is up again. I'm still not sure if this will submit but, i'll try anyways. I guess I wrote this. Just to kinds throw out my thought. No harm no foul. Maybe someone will read it and have the answers I am looking for. Or the standard keep on trying Michael. Words of encouragement. Anyways. Maybe it for posterity sake. For when things do finally change. Others can look back and see that everyone's life sucks sometimes. Anyways. Its late and I of course got to work New Years eve. Happy New Year. I'll be spending it alone again for the second straight year. Oh well. Maybe 2006 will by my year. (i'm not betting on it.) Later. ---Michael

On my knees one last time. Praying these words will make some sense. All the times I've searched for answers and found only more questions. Why do we search for truth we know may not exist. Or fight battles we are sure to lose. Why do we stand up again bloody and bruised and beg for more. The stripes I carry give me strength. The burdens the struggles the unanswered questions. That is why we live. We carry on. Never to give in. The torn psyche that may never heal. A never ending cycle of are own destruction. Draggin crawling. This one time please. The cry resounds. One answer. One promise. One more chance to discover why? These words. A jumbled mess. A hollow promise. An unanswered cry. The cycle.

On my knees one last time. Praying these words will make some sense. All the times I've searched for answers and found only more questions. Why do we search for truth we know may not exist. Or fight battles we are sure to lose. Why do we stand up again bloody and bruised and beg for more. The stripes I carry give me strength. The burdens the struggles the unanswered questions. That is why we live. We carry on. Never to give in. The torn psyche that may never heal. A never ending cycle of are own destruction. Draggin crawling. This one time please. The cry resounds. One answer. One promise. One more chance to discover why? These words. A jumbled mess. A hollow promise. An unanswered cry. The cycle.

Carrying on. As always before. The pathes evermore threacherous and going evermore steep. Carrying on. The only way I've ever known. Crawling on bloody knees. To slip only farther down. The places I've been before continually surround me. I continue to pray for new horizons. My cross scars my back. A burden too great.Carrying on. Tears fall in silence from empty dreams. Stars blinding for their greatness well never be reached. Stretching out for a hand just another mirage. Carrying on. Carrying on. Can I ever find a place. Even a pleateu rest my weary head. Ever climbing ever falling ever carrying on as before. Weakness beaten out of my body. Leaves me with just my will to carry on. All tenderness forsaken. And All that is left is me. Ever climbing, ever falling, ever Carrying On.

Fuck the revolution you thought existed

Everyone gets old

Forgets what they stand for

Die

People fall out

Never talk

Leave for greener pastures

Stay even keeled

Try to prevent the enivatable

Screw gentle words

They are all lies